Part 55: ‘… so I gave it a shot.’

What is the matter with me? It feels like I’m turning desperate. Not even desperate to settle, marry and have babies, but desperate to stop thinking about Shy guy. I can go days, sometimes even weeks without thinking about him, but as soon as I meet a new guy, it takes less than four dates for me to long back to him.

Over the course of half a year, I was getting to know a guy better, by going on sporadic dates, dates with the clear intention to determine if we were compatible. In theory we are, so I gave it a shot.

Continue reading Part 55: ‘… so I gave it a shot.’


Part 54: ‘The moustache was a great indication of what I had to expect for the night.’

As I’m working in Finance, where numbers rule, I made some calculations regarding my sex life and romantic adventures. The conclusion is that I have made big steps on the activity ladder in the past two years, this compared to the first twelve years after becoming sexually active. Yet, it’s easily defensible. I’m thirty, thirsty and I hate men. Most men that is. And so the rare occasions I meet a guy I don’t hate, if the opportunity to have physical pleasure presents itself, I take it.

The latest adventure was with ‘Porn Mouch’. A Tinder match. He looked Ozzy. Continue reading Part 54: ‘The moustache was a great indication of what I had to expect for the night.’

Part 53: “haven’t found my 30-balance yet. “

After a couple of months in my thirties, I can say; It’s challenging. Although I’m not the type to ‘care’ about what others think of me, I do know that if you have certain goals or wishes in life, you sometimes have to act a certain way, adjust your behavior a little or present yourself in an appropriate way in order to achieve it.

While in your twenties, you have the age as an excuse when you choose to don’t always do what’s best. Once in your thirties, that becomes harder. You are held more accountable and I personally feel there is more judgement. Maybe we also judge ourselves more once we hit that mark and maybe that’s even a good thing. As I said, sometimes that is required to be able to reach certain goals.

But it is also about the superficial silly fun stuff, like: Can I get away with a crop top? Feeling really bad when having had unprotected sex. Choice of men. Getting passed out drunk. Emotional outbursts.

Once women have reached 30, we are expected to have learned our lessons during puberty and our twenties and have ‘grown up’. I sometimes wonder if I will ever learn the right lessons to finally, at some point in my life, be able to convince the world and myself I’m actually an adult.

But why even bother? Common expressions (of mostly my generation);

‘Never stop learning’
(The same lesson over and over and over again)

‘Forever young’
(and stupid)

‘Don’t grow up, it’s a trap’
(because you will have to take responsibility)

(so why not make it as short as possible and put your health in danger by taking drugs, collect STD’s, kill your liver, screw your friends, jump out of a plane, waste money on bullshit)

Clearly I haven’t found my 30-balance yet.

Part 52: ‘They are fun to play with before flying out again.’

It brought me tears of joy when my best friend told me her boyfriend had proposed and she said yes. She and I know each other for 18 years now and although she lives abroad for a while already, our friendship is very solid. Her future husband is an amazing guy and I’m trusting him to treat her right. He made a big effort in proposing. Even though she isn’t a softy at all, he prepared this special moment for months. It’s great to see how devoted he is, how much he loves her and how much effort he puts in showing her this. Not only when proposing, but also on a daily basis. He really understands what an amazing woman she is.

While she is engaged now, I’ve been single for such a long time that I can’t even imagine sharing my time and living space with a guy and actually enjoy giving up the freedom I have gotten used to over the past seven years. I already have a hard time adjusting to having to care for animals when I accidentally offer to pet-sit.  That’s probably why I’m single and why I only seem to have temporary romances.

Shyguy, Avocado man and Enjoy-the-ride aren’t exactly the type of guys you can introduce to your family, but they are the type of guys who really turn me on and who I have a lot of joy with when spending time with them. Even the bad boys tend to have sweet love in them and it’s the cutest thing to see happening. The moment when you see a tough guy melting for you when giving him a cute smile or when they actually start trying to be a gentlemen or act romantic even though it obviously isn’t something that comes natural to them… That really makes me want to have crazy wild sex. They are fun to play with before flying out again. In these cases literally as it either happened abroad or/and they were from abroad. I could enjoy it fully as there was never a threat I would have to give up part of my freedom when jumping into these adventures, as they would always only be temporary.

It only sucks hard when falling in love with one of these free spirits and struggling with a heavy heart even though it rationally was never a wish or executable idea to stay together forever, like the heardache I ended up with after Shyguy.

My future looks like I will be the bridesmaid, never the bride.

Part 50: ‘…the ‘right’ guy, at the right place, at the right time.’

One of my favorite chick movies ever is Trainwreck. Till a couple of years back, it was Clueless, but ever since Trainwreck… I could never really relate to Cher, since I don’t come from a wealthy home and was never a spoiled blond teenager. So, obviously, I can relate to Amy more. Not that I’m as active in bed, sleeping around much, but more in the free thinking kind of way and the absence of shame when it comes to sex matters. My blog as an example.

Valentine day was the last time that I had sex. The frustration is growing. Although I’ve been looking around, I haven’t been able to find a new potential bed partner yet. I started to wonder if my standards are too high or something, yet reading back my previous stories, it’s clear my standards aren’t that high. The last couple of guys I slept with weren’t exactly the ‘perfect son in law’ kind of guys. There was something special about them though, and I have never had any regrets about any of the men I decided to sleep with. Even when the sex itself turned out to be a disappointment, the guy in the matter has always been someone I fancied.

If it aren’t my standards that are cock-blocking me, what the f*ck is it then?

Looking back on my escapades, they all happened fairly spontaneous/impulsive and only when I was actually very much sexually attracted to someone. The reason for the attraction is even for myself a mystery. Biology would say; smell. Personally, I don’t know. It was just the ‘right’ guy, at the right place, at the right time. Unfortunately a jamboree of these three factors hasn’t occurred since Valentine yet.

A big issue might be the Dutch men. The last time I had sex with a Dutch guy is years ago. Dutch men don’t turn me on. Most lack enthusiasm, vigor, confidence, enough caveman cells and they don’t take initiative or enough (if any) effort.

I really don’t think I should have to buy an expensive plane ticket all the way to Australia to get my freak on again. I hope I can find something more sustainable, closer to home.

Part 49: ‘…not only single, but also sober on Valentine’s day.’

Impossible not to love the day of love, right? Even as a single, I love Valentine’s day. Without expectations, yet full of hope, I check my mailbox for anonymous cards, stare at my phone waiting for love declarations to come in, but they never do. This year, I would be not only single, but also sober on Valentine’s day. While other years I would celebrate Valentine’s day with wine, movie, wine, sushi, more wine and optional a friend, this year, wine would not even be an option. But totally unexpected, Tuesday February 14th turned out to be the best Valentine’s day of my life so far.

The Sunday before V-day, I met up with an Australian guy who was visiting Amsterdam for a short 4 days. We had a match on Tinder and within a couple of texts back and forth, we decided to meet up.

Continue reading Part 49: ‘…not only single, but also sober on Valentine’s day.’

Part 47; ‘… a man my age, still single and good looking enough…’

Yesterday evening, while on the phone with my father, he and I were discussing my single status. The thing is, my father is about to retire and he is getting more and more excited on the idea on becoming a granddad. I’m turning thirty at the end of this month, and I have a strong child wish. One problem, I don’t want to become a single mom.

Continue reading Part 47; ‘… a man my age, still single and good looking enough…’

Part 46: ‘The next morning, he gave me two massive avocados…’

It was a fun night in North Shore, Oahu, Hawaii. A night that me and my friend were just all over the place, cheerful and playful, chatting with whoever, looking nice in our cute dresses and most of all, we were getting pretty drunk. Happy drunk.

While I was on the dance floor, dancing merengue with a random volunteer, age 50, I lost track of my friend who had been dancing with a guy approximately her own age and not unattractive.

Continue reading Part 46: ‘The next morning, he gave me two massive avocados…’

Part 45: ‘… there are several “types” and sizes.’

The last time I bought condoms is over a year ago, maybe even more than two years ago. Regular Durex condoms. A 12 pack I think. They were on sale and luckily, they have a long shelf life. But I’m out of stock and need to buy again.

Continue reading Part 45: ‘… there are several “types” and sizes.’

Part 44: ‘I might want to make some changes in a couple of behavior patterns.’

By the time my morning coffee was ready (so happy with my coffee maker with timer), I dragged myself out of bed, tried to get a bit decent looking for work and drove to the office. Due to traffic I took place behind my desk a few minutes late (which is an everyday event). I switched on my computer and while the system was preparing, I got myself some more coffee and I started my work day. Nothing too exciting so far.

The reason I was still tired was because I don’t sleep well. Ever since returning from my latest vacation to Bali with a heavy heart, I have difficulties sleeping. My nights are spent staring at the sealing, hallucinating (dreaming while still awake) and twisting and turning. This has been going on for a month now, I’m getting exhausted, not the best version of myself anymore. I’m totally valium-ready.

Back to Monday morning; I was working, slowly waking up, when a colleague from an abroad branch entered. He had been working here in the office, and although he’s 10 years older and not that attractive, we accidentally kissed one Friday night when we got drunk on cinnamon vodka together after work. Luckily he relocated to the abroad branch only a couple of working days later, making things less awkward.
He greeted me overly friendly, a big surprise kiss on the cheek while I was just sitting there facing my computer. My other colleagues gave me suspicious eyes but luckily didn’t ask.

Continue reading Part 44: ‘I might want to make some changes in a couple of behavior patterns.’